It took me months to decide whether to quit or not but I stuck it out. I tried to put the suicidal thoughts into a box in the back of my mind and carry on. I found that I was starting to get angry, even on my days off. Sunday nights (I didn’t work weekends) were like death. The depression was unbearable. To contemplate another week at that place had me in turmoil. I went through all the right channels. I spoke to head office, they suggested I have time off. Which is all well and good by I get less pay, I have to return and I know what the workers say about people who are off sick (especially with depression) behind their backs. And how do they find out???? The manager tells the staff. He used to make jokes about people. Even when new people applied for a job; “Got another f**king retard to interview today.” Just completely ludicrous. So I decided to hand in my notice in December of 2016. Since then I have been hammering the jobs. I say hammering the jobs, they have been hammering ME. “Can you drive?” “Do you have experience?” “Do you have a passport?” “Do you have a CRB check done on you?” “Do you have a CSIS card????” All these things thwart me at every turn.

So… I can’t get even a cleaning job, or a job in caring as I cannot drive. Even a part time job in a local shop, they want someone who can drive. Ridiculous. Then there’s the experience hurdle. So I need a job that pays for all this. Factory work isn’t for me anymore (plus you need a car now to travel to them). I need FULL TIME work, which is impossible these days to obtain. I live alone and I pay all my own bills so part time work just won’t cover it. The jobcentre don’t help, they hinder you. They give you pointless appointments that do nothing for you but to ‘keep tabs on you’, like you’re a criminal on a TAG.

I am 37 at just thinking about ending it all sometimes. What’s the point????