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Today I am feeling like I do most days, worthless.
Today I come to a semi-conclusion that a feeling of worthlessness comes in waves but stays when confirmed by the words and actions of others.
The woman I love, who has been through hell, has nothing left to offer me when it comes to my personal thoughts or feelings.
This, although understood, is painful. Am I worthless? No one seems to call or care.
People don’t reply to my texts or return my calls.
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy. I feel like I don’t have much to offer and that’s the way people treat me. They don’t want to listen to me or hear the truths. Do they even care? It is a tough spot to be in. Trying to come up with some sort of confidence in one’s self when broke, out of work, desperate. The kids have to feel it. Hell, I can feel it. My wife comes home and it’s an immediate assumption, “What did you do today?” As if she already knew the answer – not enough. As if I’m this piece of crap that is just something she has to put up with because she had kids with me.
It sinks in to the soul. It doesn’t seem to go away. I try to wish it away. I wake up, act positive, try to be productive but all the while I am sidetracked by little things. That’s when my ADD kicks in and then I do half of things, like laundry, dishes, sweeping, busy work just to slip away from the reality that I don’t have a job, I don’t have the money, I don’t have the education, I don’t have the experience, I don’t etc etc…
Where was I going with this sad spewing of crapulence? Oh yeah, so it then happens all over again. Wife comes home, asks the assuming questions, the feeling is awakened again and I’m in shitsville.
So this is by no way a blaming or a pointing fingers at but a semi-conclusion to this point, that when others around me that I care deeply about, think or act as if I’m worthless
…they may be right because that’s how I feel and now it will repeat again.
The things that have happened lately are my wife says and acts as if I have no value. My brother feels the same way about me i.e. “no, I’m not gonna loan you $100” (unfair of me because he didn’t have the money?). My friends, i.e. K, B and most others don’t reply to texts or calls. And so on it goes again. How do I overcome this? I keep trying to daily but it starts up again. I can’t even get my doctor to call me back so I can get evaluated for the ADD which is a big issue right now.
So this is what it feels like when you lose your house, you job, your livelihood, your dignity, your self assuredness, your life. The sad part is that I have a wife and four kids that deserve more. So I will continue on with the hopes that someone will give this nice, uneducated, worthless soul a chance.
I hope you’re listening God or are you like everyone else I know?
The Nice Guy
My prayers are with you, and you are not alone! Read about what we are doing here:
http://www.fastcompany.com/3037086/fast-feed/linkedin-hit-with-class-action-lawsuit-for-its-job-reference-tool
Keep your chin up. Call me if even to just talk for a while to feel better.Tell me your story. I don’t judge and I KNOW you are doing everything you can. Sometimes it feels the adds are stacked against you. You are cared about, you are not alone!
772-494-6556
Your piece resonates with me. I too have been unemployed for some time, and so also know what it’s like to feel continually judged by my “unemployment status”. So I avoid such persons like the plague. However, any intelligent, thoughtful person will confirm to you how difficult it is to get a job, in today’s financial climate. A person can be educated, have the required degree, and solid experience – and still find it impossible to land even a job interview. That’s been my experience, although fortunately, I only live with a dog, so that’s been a blessing – as dogs love hanging out with unemployed humans, and will never condemn you for sleeping in or being in your pyjamas until midday. So hang in there. And, anyone who measures you according to your employment status, should take a good hard look at themselves.